Bringing people together on topics that hit a nerve reveals the many paths that lead to this “invisibility” or separation from self.
Why? I don’t know but this line from Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
We’re not necessarily unhappy but we want more than what we see on the current path. There is no or little direction to follow. We mostly must walk our own path. That doesn’t mean we all can’t talk about it; share the journey.
I’ve seen several folks (family and friends) made invisible by “well meaning” people (mostly family) who isolate them (the older individual)for fear of upsetting the individual concerned. Right. It’s so disturbing to have people cut off like that, as if good and longtime friends are an evil influence. More likely, the friends fight the infantization (my term for making people helpless) of the older person. This speeds up the road to invisibility.
Yes. And I think what makes it so heartbreaking is that it’s often framed as protection, kindness, or “what’s best for them,” when in reality it can quietly strip a person of agency, identity, stimulation, and connection.
Your word “infantization” is exactly the right word for it.
The older person slowly stops being treated like a fully formed adult with preferences, opinions, friendships, complexity, and autonomy, and starts being managed instead of included.
And you’re absolutely right that longtime friends often become threatening to that dynamic because they still see the whole person. They remember who they were before the narrowing began. They speak to them as an equal instead of as someone fragile or incapable.
That kind of isolation doesn’t preserve aliveness. It often accelerates invisibility.
I don’t think the problem starts after sixty. I’m in my forties, and I’ve felt the same wave of nausea, that pressure to self‑optimize, adjust, refine, perfect until resistance becomes a kind of inner anarchy. And I’m sure people in their thirties feel it too.
Absolutely. I don’t think this pressure magically appears at sixty either. I think many people feel it in their thirties, forties, fifties and beyond. The constant message that we should always be improving, optimizing, fixing, refining ourselves until we forget how to simply live is everywhere.
I speak from the perspective of being 70 because that’s the life I’ve actually lived. That’s the lens I write through. Not to exclude anyone younger, but because I think there’s something uniquely disorienting about reaching later life and realizing you’ve spent decades trying to become “acceptable” instead of becoming yourself.
But honestly, I think what you described, that “inner anarchy,” is something a whole lot of people are beginning to feel regardless of age.
I appreciate that you’re speaking from your seventies, because to me it gives you a kind of influence that can reach people across generations. I became aware of these things earlier in life, but I also came from a dysfunctional family, and once you’ve lived through certain patterns you start recognizing them, and therapy helps. But not everyone has the same level of awareness, and I think your voice on this topic carries a resonance that matters, because it becomes an intergenerational message.
You did indeed. I just reaffirmed my introversion by trying to go to Home Depot just to get some outdoor plant hangers. I was crying by the time I got to the car and vowed never to go to Home Depot again.
One of my biggest fears is being invited to go to lunch. I used to make up excuses such as having a medical emergency, but now I just tell the truth. I say (politely) that I have anorexia which is true, and that I don’t eat lunch….ever. I just nibble on stuff I like and drink espresso. I love to have coffee with one or two friends who understand me and who love my eccentricities.
Thank you for giving me the words I have struggled to find. I have circled around these feelings searching for resolution without guilt as I hit 70. I will continue to listen!
Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐
Bringing people together on topics that hit a nerve reveals the many paths that lead to this “invisibility” or separation from self.
Why? I don’t know but this line from Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
We’re not necessarily unhappy but we want more than what we see on the current path. There is no or little direction to follow. We mostly must walk our own path. That doesn’t mean we all can’t talk about it; share the journey.
I’ve seen several folks (family and friends) made invisible by “well meaning” people (mostly family) who isolate them (the older individual)for fear of upsetting the individual concerned. Right. It’s so disturbing to have people cut off like that, as if good and longtime friends are an evil influence. More likely, the friends fight the infantization (my term for making people helpless) of the older person. This speeds up the road to invisibility.
Yes. And I think what makes it so heartbreaking is that it’s often framed as protection, kindness, or “what’s best for them,” when in reality it can quietly strip a person of agency, identity, stimulation, and connection.
Your word “infantization” is exactly the right word for it.
The older person slowly stops being treated like a fully formed adult with preferences, opinions, friendships, complexity, and autonomy, and starts being managed instead of included.
And you’re absolutely right that longtime friends often become threatening to that dynamic because they still see the whole person. They remember who they were before the narrowing began. They speak to them as an equal instead of as someone fragile or incapable.
That kind of isolation doesn’t preserve aliveness. It often accelerates invisibility.
Congratulations and Bravo on all the good that will result.
Thank you!
I don’t think the problem starts after sixty. I’m in my forties, and I’ve felt the same wave of nausea, that pressure to self‑optimize, adjust, refine, perfect until resistance becomes a kind of inner anarchy. And I’m sure people in their thirties feel it too.
Absolutely. I don’t think this pressure magically appears at sixty either. I think many people feel it in their thirties, forties, fifties and beyond. The constant message that we should always be improving, optimizing, fixing, refining ourselves until we forget how to simply live is everywhere.
I speak from the perspective of being 70 because that’s the life I’ve actually lived. That’s the lens I write through. Not to exclude anyone younger, but because I think there’s something uniquely disorienting about reaching later life and realizing you’ve spent decades trying to become “acceptable” instead of becoming yourself.
But honestly, I think what you described, that “inner anarchy,” is something a whole lot of people are beginning to feel regardless of age.
I appreciate that you’re speaking from your seventies, because to me it gives you a kind of influence that can reach people across generations. I became aware of these things earlier in life, but I also came from a dysfunctional family, and once you’ve lived through certain patterns you start recognizing them, and therapy helps. But not everyone has the same level of awareness, and I think your voice on this topic carries a resonance that matters, because it becomes an intergenerational message.
Thank you. I’m glad my thoughts resonated
You did indeed. I just reaffirmed my introversion by trying to go to Home Depot just to get some outdoor plant hangers. I was crying by the time I got to the car and vowed never to go to Home Depot again.
One of my biggest fears is being invited to go to lunch. I used to make up excuses such as having a medical emergency, but now I just tell the truth. I say (politely) that I have anorexia which is true, and that I don’t eat lunch….ever. I just nibble on stuff I like and drink espresso. I love to have coffee with one or two friends who understand me and who love my eccentricities.
Good stuff! I was going to comment BUT I realised I had quite a lot to say on the topic (was hard to put it all in a short comment).
Thank you for giving me the words I have struggled to find. I have circled around these feelings searching for resolution without guilt as I hit 70. I will continue to listen!