Loved your story, and boy-- can I relate to having spent most of my life focusing on the needs of other people. I'm about to turn 69, still married, no children (married at 43), and experiencing severe health challenges that I won't share here. But I'm alive and kicking, and yearning for more. Brava for your resilience, indeed.
Cancer and Covid made me take a hard turn in a different direction too! I didn’t move physically, but I moved mentally and spiritually. Sometime the Earth needs to shake us and uproot us from what doesn’t work any more.
Keep writing your story Monica, folks need to hear your hope!
‘The storm didn’t take anything that was actually mine.
It took the borrowed stability. The foundation that never fit. The life that looked right from certain angles but never felt true when you were living inside it.”
So well expressed, Monica, AND insightfully transforming.
For me, an internal storm ‘took the foundation that no longer fit’. It took away ‘pretty obstacles’ I wanted to gaze at from one angle only. I seldom acted decisively to go around those obstacles or changed my gaze angle to experience the wide open creative horizon just beyond.
Truth was, I needed (and got) a firm shove … It was NOT the GENTLE kind of shove that suggests more playtime to stay still, to ponder what I already knew, or to turn back. This shove was the HARD kind of push that tested and challenged my claims of who I believed I was and wanted to become. It was the kind of firm and strategically executed shove that gut-punched me out of my outer shell so my inner me could see more clearly if I chose. Thankfully, I’m so choosing! 🙌🏽🔥🎉🔥🙌🏽
(Enhancer: For the punching visual, think the scene in the Marvel Avengers: Endgame movie with the ‘Ancient One’ using a precisely placed martial-arts hand maneuver to push Bruce Banner out of his Hulk shell. The Hulk, my outwardly strong me, was down for the count, while Bruce Banner continued interacting with the ‘Ancient One’, making enlightened perspectives possible).
Thanks for another great angle and ‘look-see’ 😉 on what the more difficult experiences in our lives powerfully unveil.
I look forward each day to your posts. Sometimes they are irrelevant to me as we live on opposite sides of the globe, I have no children, I have no artistic flare despite my mother creating some beautiful artwork in her troubled life (all of which she destroyed before she died so I couldn't have it - a story for another day!) I took after my logical, practical father. And I'll be 66 tomorrow.
However, like you, I have been married 3 times, each time adopting my husbands' ideas of the perfect life. And with No.3, it was. Until my personal hurricane ripped this beautiful, previously robustly healthy man from me in 6 weeks of confounding, unexpected and inexplicable liver disease!
I've survived for nearly 8 years without him, still trying to adhere to the lifestyle we built around each other, same friends, same social life, same home, garden and precious classic cars. Our two fur-babies have since joined him, so I adopted two more.
I read your story and I wondered " Dreams? What are they but fleeting fancies in the dead of night?" I have and have never had, any real dreams that did not involve being married, working with, retiring with and growing old with.......my late husband.
Obviously, I like to write and express myself on platforms such as yours, where I know compassionate people will read my sorry story.
But where do you buy new dreams? I want one! I'm too scared to travel alone and I'm convinced I would not enjoy it without a "significant other" beside me to say "Oooh! Look at that darling!" to.
I'm too scared to move from our cosy home full of memories lest I find myself lost and alone in someone else's previous home.
So it's just me, my cats, my garden and the "oldies" at the nursing home where I volunteer (which I love!) Is that enough? Sometimes it is, sometimes there's a deep yearning for more but I don't know what that "more" looks like! I read self-help books, I practice yoga and meditation (a bit haphazardly admittedly) and I love your 4:4:6:4 breath practice - very grounding! But surely there must be SOMETHING out there that the Universe has planned for me! How do I find out what it is?????????
Oh my goodness… I can feel every word of what you wrote. First, let me say this clearly: there is nothing “sorry” about your story. There is love in it. There is devotion in it. And there is strength in the fact that you’re still here, still asking, still wondering.
And that question you asked — “Where do you buy new dreams?”
You don’t.
You remember them. And I know that may sound frustrating, because right now it feels like there were never any to begin with beyond the life you built with your husband.
But here’s what I believe, and what I’ve seen over and over again: those dreams are not gone. They are just… quiet. Buried under years of loving someone else, building a life together, adapting, surviving, and then grieving. So we don’t go out and find new dreams.
We create a little space… and we let them come back. And this is where your breathing practice becomes powerful. If you’re open to it, try this very simply: when you do your 4:4:6:4 breathing, just add one gentle question to it: “Please remind me what my dreams were when I was a young girl.”
That’s it. No pressure. No forcing. No needing an answer right away. Just ask it… softly… over and over again… and then go about your day. What starts to happen is subtle. A memory might flicker. A feeling might rise. A tiny curiosity might show up out of nowhere. That’s how it begins. Not with a big, dramatic revelation… but with a whisper. And I want to say one more thing, because this matters: you are not “behind.” You are not “too late.” And your life right now — your cats, your garden, your volunteering — is not something to dismiss. But that quiet yearning you mentioned? That’s not a problem. That’s an opening. So don’t go looking for a fully formed dream. Just start by remembering… and listening. The rest will come.
Loved your story, and boy-- can I relate to having spent most of my life focusing on the needs of other people. I'm about to turn 69, still married, no children (married at 43), and experiencing severe health challenges that I won't share here. But I'm alive and kicking, and yearning for more. Brava for your resilience, indeed.
Catastrophic externals events - catastrophic internal events - I have survived them and give thanks for them.
Monica, you articulate the messy, glorious, craziness of life so well.
Cancer and Covid made me take a hard turn in a different direction too! I didn’t move physically, but I moved mentally and spiritually. Sometime the Earth needs to shake us and uproot us from what doesn’t work any more.
Keep writing your story Monica, folks need to hear your hope!
‘The storm didn’t take anything that was actually mine.
It took the borrowed stability. The foundation that never fit. The life that looked right from certain angles but never felt true when you were living inside it.”
So well expressed, Monica, AND insightfully transforming.
For me, an internal storm ‘took the foundation that no longer fit’. It took away ‘pretty obstacles’ I wanted to gaze at from one angle only. I seldom acted decisively to go around those obstacles or changed my gaze angle to experience the wide open creative horizon just beyond.
Truth was, I needed (and got) a firm shove … It was NOT the GENTLE kind of shove that suggests more playtime to stay still, to ponder what I already knew, or to turn back. This shove was the HARD kind of push that tested and challenged my claims of who I believed I was and wanted to become. It was the kind of firm and strategically executed shove that gut-punched me out of my outer shell so my inner me could see more clearly if I chose. Thankfully, I’m so choosing! 🙌🏽🔥🎉🔥🙌🏽
(Enhancer: For the punching visual, think the scene in the Marvel Avengers: Endgame movie with the ‘Ancient One’ using a precisely placed martial-arts hand maneuver to push Bruce Banner out of his Hulk shell. The Hulk, my outwardly strong me, was down for the count, while Bruce Banner continued interacting with the ‘Ancient One’, making enlightened perspectives possible).
Thanks for another great angle and ‘look-see’ 😉 on what the more difficult experiences in our lives powerfully unveil.
WRITE ON ✊
I look forward each day to your posts. Sometimes they are irrelevant to me as we live on opposite sides of the globe, I have no children, I have no artistic flare despite my mother creating some beautiful artwork in her troubled life (all of which she destroyed before she died so I couldn't have it - a story for another day!) I took after my logical, practical father. And I'll be 66 tomorrow.
However, like you, I have been married 3 times, each time adopting my husbands' ideas of the perfect life. And with No.3, it was. Until my personal hurricane ripped this beautiful, previously robustly healthy man from me in 6 weeks of confounding, unexpected and inexplicable liver disease!
I've survived for nearly 8 years without him, still trying to adhere to the lifestyle we built around each other, same friends, same social life, same home, garden and precious classic cars. Our two fur-babies have since joined him, so I adopted two more.
I read your story and I wondered " Dreams? What are they but fleeting fancies in the dead of night?" I have and have never had, any real dreams that did not involve being married, working with, retiring with and growing old with.......my late husband.
Obviously, I like to write and express myself on platforms such as yours, where I know compassionate people will read my sorry story.
But where do you buy new dreams? I want one! I'm too scared to travel alone and I'm convinced I would not enjoy it without a "significant other" beside me to say "Oooh! Look at that darling!" to.
I'm too scared to move from our cosy home full of memories lest I find myself lost and alone in someone else's previous home.
So it's just me, my cats, my garden and the "oldies" at the nursing home where I volunteer (which I love!) Is that enough? Sometimes it is, sometimes there's a deep yearning for more but I don't know what that "more" looks like! I read self-help books, I practice yoga and meditation (a bit haphazardly admittedly) and I love your 4:4:6:4 breath practice - very grounding! But surely there must be SOMETHING out there that the Universe has planned for me! How do I find out what it is?????????
Oh my goodness… I can feel every word of what you wrote. First, let me say this clearly: there is nothing “sorry” about your story. There is love in it. There is devotion in it. And there is strength in the fact that you’re still here, still asking, still wondering.
And that question you asked — “Where do you buy new dreams?”
You don’t.
You remember them. And I know that may sound frustrating, because right now it feels like there were never any to begin with beyond the life you built with your husband.
But here’s what I believe, and what I’ve seen over and over again: those dreams are not gone. They are just… quiet. Buried under years of loving someone else, building a life together, adapting, surviving, and then grieving. So we don’t go out and find new dreams.
We create a little space… and we let them come back. And this is where your breathing practice becomes powerful. If you’re open to it, try this very simply: when you do your 4:4:6:4 breathing, just add one gentle question to it: “Please remind me what my dreams were when I was a young girl.”
That’s it. No pressure. No forcing. No needing an answer right away. Just ask it… softly… over and over again… and then go about your day. What starts to happen is subtle. A memory might flicker. A feeling might rise. A tiny curiosity might show up out of nowhere. That’s how it begins. Not with a big, dramatic revelation… but with a whisper. And I want to say one more thing, because this matters: you are not “behind.” You are not “too late.” And your life right now — your cats, your garden, your volunteering — is not something to dismiss. But that quiet yearning you mentioned? That’s not a problem. That’s an opening. So don’t go looking for a fully formed dream. Just start by remembering… and listening. The rest will come.
Oh wow Monica! You heard me from all those miles away and answered my questions so fully and beautifully and IMMEDIATELY!
Your responsiveness is reassuring and encouraging. Someone out there is listening and UNDERSTANDING!!!!!
I wish I could give you a hug right now! I'll start today, right now.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.