The Day I Fired God as My Life Coach

...and ended my cosmic performance review cycle

Dear God,

We need to talk.

For years, I treated You like a vending machine in the sky.
I did all the things.
I journaled.
I meditated.
I spun my chakras like a well-oiled ceiling fan.

And the deal—the deal—was this:
If I stayed aligned, surrendered my desires, spoke my affirmations, and didn’t cuss too loudly at the moon...
You would deliver.
Right?

That was our u…