Monica - this is one of the best stories yet and it struck close to home.
A few years ago, my best friend - who now lives five hours away - came to visit for a couple of days. We talked about this very topic because I was struggling with it. I was no longer in a band, I was no longer working as a paid photographer, I had no children underfoot to tend...who WAS I?
One of the missions of Joyce's visit was to buy an outfit to wear to a family wedding. We picked up my 14 year old granddaughter and met a mutual friend in downtown Vicksburg for lunch and shopping. After the meal, we walked a block to an old store that looked like one in a movie - high ceilings, mahogany banister going up to the mezzanine - a walk back in time. The sales woman seated us in overstuffed chairs facing the tall, gilded, antique mirror to admire Joyce as she came out of the dressing room to model for us. Once the outfit was chosen, the sales woman turned to me and suggested I try on a dress that was displayed on a mannequin near our chairs. I laughed and said, Oh! No thank you! I have no occasion to wear such a dress." My granddaughter, who had been quiet the whole time and draped over her seat, sat up, opened her arms wide and exclaimed, "Samba, (her pet name for me) LIFE is the occasion!" That statement really struck a chord in me.
And not too long after that day, I was discussing my lack-of-worth identity on the phone with my son in Philly. I complained that I had nothing to show for since I was doing nothing artistically. He chided me and said that I didn't need to have a "product" to show the world -- I didn't need to produce anything. Then he said something I'll never forget, "Mom, you are an artist by your very existence. You don't need a product to prove that."
So I have tucked away wise words from two young ones to remember when that feeling of inner invisibility wants to overtake me. I didn't realize what a grip it had on me until the labels I had put on myself came off.
What your son said to you about not having to produce anything is something I am just learning at age 80. Also, next time, try on the dress! You don’t have to buy it, but if you do, the only special occasion it will need is you.
You have moved through where I have been stuck, the part about going out of the house between 5 and 7 really hit me. That is brilliant. I’m taking that into my life, and then this line. …From the moment you realize that the quiet isn’t abandonment…I needed to hear it this exact way. Thank you. This is an amazing piece.
So glad I’ve discovered you in this crowded space at this perfect juncture in my life. I realize you are speaking somewhat specifically to women in your tribe but as an older gay male standing in front of his own mirrors and questions about a joyful way forward I’m finding some real companionship and resonating wisdom in what you’re sharing.
Dan, this touched me deeply. And please know, while I may often write through the lens of women reclaiming themselves later in life, the deeper conversation has always been about human beings remembering who they are underneath all the roles, expectations, and mirrors they’ve been handed.
The fact that you used the phrase “joyful way forward” tells me your soul already knows there is one. Sometimes we just need someone else speaking out loud what we’ve quietly been feeling inside ourselves. I’m very glad you found your way here. You absolutely belong at the table.
"And the path back isn’t through being seen by the world. It’s through deciding — deliberately, practically, sometimes defiantly — to be seen by yourself."
This is so true, Monica. My children are still at home but I've become mindful of the fact that I have to show up for myself as well as for them. Being a mum is the most important thing I do but it is not all I do and it is not who I am.
I remember the day I became invisible. Not long after my 65th birthday I went shopping one day and when I got to the cash register I was the last in the line. When it was finally my turn to check out I carefully placed my items on the counter and waited. The young man at the register began to sort through some random things on his part of the counter, cheerfully chatting with several other employees, looked for something under the counter, moved around in his space….finally I said loudly, “Am I invisible to you?” He startled and blushed and stammered,
“I didn’t see you!” And I said “I’ve been standing in line here and the person ahead of me left a few minutes ago. Am I invisible?!” He didn’t say another word, no apologies, and never looked at me while he checked out my items. As I left he turned his back to me.
What is wrong in our world when white haired little women are totally invisible ?
This was me in my late 40s - the loss of myself. I feel more connected, but do feel a sense of invisibility in the world. The odd thing? I really like it! I was in a position that was publicly outfacing for so long, it feels nice to step back and just focus on me.
My mother is embarking on this sort of transition in life and I worry quite a lot for her. She's spent the last few years caretaking for my ill stepdad, who just passed, and the last few decades caring for hundreds of clients as a massage therapist and, before that, a daycare provider. Her identity is so deeply defined by caretaking that it's been difficult getting her to accept care in return, even now as she's grieving. She'll be moving closer to me soon so she'll be less isolated, but she's also planning on retiring around the same time, and I worry that she won't know what to do with herself when she does. Do you have any suggestions for how to support her without creating some sort of unhealthy codependent dynamic? Your insight would be much appreciated!
What your mother is going through is far more common than most people realize, especially for people whose identity became wrapped around being needed. When caregiving ends, there can be grief not only for the person they lost, but for the role that organized their entire life. That can feel disorienting and frightening.
One thing I would gently encourage is this: try not to rush to “fix” her loneliness or immediately fill her calendar with activities. A lot of people do that with retirees and grieving caregivers. But what she may actually need first is permission to rediscover who she is outside of service to everyone else.
The healthiest support may simply be creating safe space for curiosity to return. Small things. Asking what she enjoys. What she misses. What made her feel alive before responsibility took over. Not as pressure, but as invitation.
And honestly, the fact that you’re already aware of the possibility of slipping into codependency tells me you’re approaching this thoughtfully. That awareness alone changes the dynamic. You don’t have to become her purpose in order to love her well. Sometimes loving someone means standing beside them while they slowly remember themselves.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your insight! I am admittedly a "problem fixer" and can see how easily one can fall for the easy "fix" of filling up someone's calendar, but I luckily don't think I'll be making that mistake. I remember how insincere and hollow it felt when I tried to keep busy after my fiancee died at 23 so others wouldn't worry about me, how much it rang of avoidance. I know I'm better prepared than most adult children to support her on the widowhood side of the equation because I have my own experience with partner loss, but feel at a loss when it comes to retirement because my own identity isn't as deeply connected to my job. I hadn't considered the role curiosity could play in revitalizing her connection to herself and who she used to be before taking on this role. We'll be doing a lot of sorting and packing in preparation for the move so I'll keep an eye out for opportunities to ask more about her interests. There are also a few new ones she's mentioned wanting to explore, so I'll make sure to encourage that without being pushy too.
Greetings. I am sorry for your mother's loss and thank you for an opportunity to reply. I have a lifetime of support and nursing role, so in planning our end of life care, we feel a responsibility while alive, to lessen the burden on others, as we prepare, in truth and with Grace. What you share is a life journey in itself. There are a few transitional mindsets to deliberate when expectations have to be surrendered. Detachment from fear of the unknown, aligning with your true self or as I like to see myself now, as entertaining my second spring. It's a conscious effort. The codependency you speak of may be a real fear. I too had a mother for whom I have spent a lifetime, supporting to be more of what I wanted in life, her happiness. I felt she was unforefilled in parenting being in service to others, all because her childhood was stolen. The energy we put into our lives, reflects our true emotions. I've become all that I could not help her to be, as that was my reason to show up in my own Life, as a woman and a parent. With divine timing, I was surprised that after two knee jobs, a hip operation and a lifetime of never the athletic type, my mother who has resisted physio for years, as an unnecessary exertion not being paid to do, as in a job, called me to announce that she has finally joined her first gym at age 75. She actually invested in a membership. Understanding the value of using your muscles and physical mobility and I am so happy for her. It's like a new mindset when you discover your superpowers to feel the fear and do it anyway. She has her husband so together the support is there and they celebrate 50yrs of marriage, so have enough to be happy about now. This all happens with people planting seeds for others. Whoever that Angel was , I'm so grateful. All in divine timing and your mother will find her feet again, grounding in her true essence again, all in her divine time. Accessibility and affordability to socialising also limits people's choices to invest in themselves. Like us all, we can think of it as a sacrifice to make a home made coffee or pay to be part of society to develop your sense of self instead with your spare change. I'm no longer attached to belonging to everything and enjoy what I love in life. But for women, we have to rewire, reprogram their mindset from not having quality of time alone to think about themselves, it takes strength, patience and resilience alright. Learning to put yourself first. I just awake to each new dawn and choose to create my day, from a vision of a goal that aligns with my soul identity and life's journey is not a chore. Share your love not fear of having your mother closer. Set personal boundaries if you honour your personal time too and teach your children from example, how you want to be treated when you're realising and transitioning into a new season in your own life. No one is an island. We women are very capable of rebuilding a home and an identity to suit everyone's needs. Living independently just needs an inward, internal focus knowing it's "my time to be all that you want to be". I took that journey asking myself what I loved to do before I became a parent, then a single parent at that. But not until after almost three decades of loosing myself and working on automatic. What I did, was first foresee my empty nest. Then I ticked off giving the kids their 21st celebrations and farewell speeches, to enjoy being captains on their own ships. It was a conscious journey within for me and I got excited to see the finish line like a light at the end of a long, long, long tunnel. So be patient with her. Becoming detached from a role of a partner identity of Mrs Him, or the responsibility of parenting children out into this world, of many unknowns, without my fears is a responsibility. I remembered what I loved before having them and i joined interest groups to relive my love for life again. Each day of the week, I had a schedule with more "me time" punched in. I began practicing before I became an empty nester at around 49, or 2011 anyway. I began feeling like I was taking my life back with more "me time". I chose to be on this sabbatical from men and relationships, that helped to reclaim my personal power too. A weekend was allocated for an outdoor hiking group, you could speed up or slow down to chat to new people or just focus on the views in meditation, I had a Wednesday night band night to attend for 3hours of dancing to feel alive again midweek, I'd choose a comedy and movie night when they came around monthly to share laughs and moments with a group, I joined a gym and kept Sunday for my spiritual reset within a beautiful community that held space for me, to inspire and reflect upon life from . It was also a great reset for the week. Slowly filling my toolkit with what I could do for myself again, with or without a crowd to socialize with and I learnt to enjoy myself in these environments on my own eventually too, having "My time". I slowly realigned my soul identity and Spirit for life again. Co-creating our lives alongside others is all women have done for eons. Once we decide we have a choice to detach from our roles, we don't feel guilty serving our own needs. Finding new friends , will never be like when you were young and energetic teens, but you can enjoy that essence of being your own friend first too. Simple as taking a bath by candlelight , moving to your favourite music, out in the garden or at the waters edge. Monika's life storytelling that's being shared here is full of key codes to unlock the true potential we seek or our forgotten gems that we can choose to cherish again. All to ignite our sense of self, just "being me". For example, I'm only 59 this year and I come alive with joy every time I peddle off after hopping onto my bicycle. The feeling of freedom, with the wind on my face, helps me align with the sense of this second spring. Post menopausal days ahead, woohoo! Honouring the Life I chose, in service to others. Woohoo! Got back on the bike , woohoo! Remembering ones self is a mother's journey home, to the sacred feminine, womb healer and divine self. Not a destination, but a place of unconditional Love. Allow your mother to grow her love into your life with gratitude, holding space when you are free too with a kind smile from the heart, is all she needs. We all know the addiction triangle codependency can lead us along. But once again, choose to teach otherwise. One day it may be her reflection you see in the mirror and your children will remember the role model you provided, in sending love, always. If you've no children, then you can happily say to yourself, "I see you", too. Blessings to you both.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share so generously from your own journey! It struck me as I read your words that rediscovering oneself after stepping out from a caregiver role is surprisingly similar to the journey I've been on unmasking and reconnecting with my authentic self now that I know that I'm autistic. I too have been taking back my time with more intentional "me time" and learning how to be my own friend over the past two years. I too have questioned what parts are truly me and what parts are just others' expectations of me. I think this realization will make it much easier to connect with my mother and hold space for her vulnerability as she endeavors to find herself again, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for sparking it.
You made me think there…. I’ve never actually been alone for any extended amount of time. I’ve lived alone, yes, but always had a rich relationships with friends who are framily. I don’t live in service of my husband, whom I married at 42. We sit in mostly companionable silence. He’s not well, so the chances of me living truly alone are pretty good at some point. That dream of a tiny house or a wing of a communal house with a group of women is still there.
My mother-in-law lives in a resort-like multi-level care community that has a rich social environment. That’s likely the closest I’ll ever be. I like the idea of being able to participate and visit, but then close the door and be left to recharge and paint.
Unfortunately you need quite a bit of money to live in a community setting like you describe. I’ve looked. About 10,000 and up per month.So depending on your age it runs out quickly 😢
Thank you for this, it is so true for me and affirming to read. When I retired from a job I’d had for 30 years, i fully expected to find myself at a loss. Instead, I found myself. Full stop. Admittedly, the job had gotten terribly stressful and demanding. But I had chosen a career that was not well suited to my personality type. I loved it for many years and did well at it. But when I left, I discovered all the old pleasures I had before it that had gone by the wayside for lack of time and “fit.” It was like meeting my teenage self and saying, “hey, I remember you. Welcome back!”
The driving. That's the detail I can't stop thinking about.
Not the birthday with the good china — that's the resolution. The five o'clock driving is what came before anyone had language for it. The body knowing something the mind hadn't caught up to yet.
I'm 54. I retired early last year and the list is still quieting down. I'm not where you are yet — I'm somewhere in the middle of what you're describing, still carrying the phone out of habit, still noticing the particular weight of late afternoon. Reading this felt less like recognition of something past and more like a map of something I'm still inside.
The question you land on — how do I feel worthy of my own existence when nobody needs me to do anything — I haven't found the answer either. But I'm grateful someone said it out loud.
The driving wasn’t about errands at all. It was about avoiding the silence before I had language for what the silence meant. I think so many women have lived that exact hour of the day without ever recognizing it consciously.
And I love what you said about the body knowing before the mind catches up. That feels deeply true to me now looking back on it.
Also, I don’t think there’s a clean “arrival point” with this. I think the list quiets in layers. Identity quiets in layers too. One habit at a time. One reflex at a time. One late afternoon at a time.
What touched me most in your comment is this:
“a map of something I’m still inside.”
I suspect that’s exactly why this conversation is resonating with so many people right now. Not because we’ve solved it, but because we’re finally saying out loud what many people experience privately.
Dear Monica—You feel like a friend to me—I was so taken by your essay. It’s the idea of you recognizing and coming to terms with who you are at a particular “stage” of life and how you talked about it, dug into the discomfort and in fact , discovered the treasure of how really beautiful and extraordinary life can be “here.”
I upgraded my subscription (also getting 20% off—thanks) because I do not want to miss anything that you share!
Substack has brought me such an astounding number of people bringing themselves to a “market square” to share!
Monica - this is one of the best stories yet and it struck close to home.
A few years ago, my best friend - who now lives five hours away - came to visit for a couple of days. We talked about this very topic because I was struggling with it. I was no longer in a band, I was no longer working as a paid photographer, I had no children underfoot to tend...who WAS I?
One of the missions of Joyce's visit was to buy an outfit to wear to a family wedding. We picked up my 14 year old granddaughter and met a mutual friend in downtown Vicksburg for lunch and shopping. After the meal, we walked a block to an old store that looked like one in a movie - high ceilings, mahogany banister going up to the mezzanine - a walk back in time. The sales woman seated us in overstuffed chairs facing the tall, gilded, antique mirror to admire Joyce as she came out of the dressing room to model for us. Once the outfit was chosen, the sales woman turned to me and suggested I try on a dress that was displayed on a mannequin near our chairs. I laughed and said, Oh! No thank you! I have no occasion to wear such a dress." My granddaughter, who had been quiet the whole time and draped over her seat, sat up, opened her arms wide and exclaimed, "Samba, (her pet name for me) LIFE is the occasion!" That statement really struck a chord in me.
And not too long after that day, I was discussing my lack-of-worth identity on the phone with my son in Philly. I complained that I had nothing to show for since I was doing nothing artistically. He chided me and said that I didn't need to have a "product" to show the world -- I didn't need to produce anything. Then he said something I'll never forget, "Mom, you are an artist by your very existence. You don't need a product to prove that."
So I have tucked away wise words from two young ones to remember when that feeling of inner invisibility wants to overtake me. I didn't realize what a grip it had on me until the labels I had put on myself came off.
What your son said to you about not having to produce anything is something I am just learning at age 80. Also, next time, try on the dress! You don’t have to buy it, but if you do, the only special occasion it will need is you.
You have moved through where I have been stuck, the part about going out of the house between 5 and 7 really hit me. That is brilliant. I’m taking that into my life, and then this line. …From the moment you realize that the quiet isn’t abandonment…I needed to hear it this exact way. Thank you. This is an amazing piece.
I agree I loved it.
So glad I’ve discovered you in this crowded space at this perfect juncture in my life. I realize you are speaking somewhat specifically to women in your tribe but as an older gay male standing in front of his own mirrors and questions about a joyful way forward I’m finding some real companionship and resonating wisdom in what you’re sharing.
Dan, this touched me deeply. And please know, while I may often write through the lens of women reclaiming themselves later in life, the deeper conversation has always been about human beings remembering who they are underneath all the roles, expectations, and mirrors they’ve been handed.
The fact that you used the phrase “joyful way forward” tells me your soul already knows there is one. Sometimes we just need someone else speaking out loud what we’ve quietly been feeling inside ourselves. I’m very glad you found your way here. You absolutely belong at the table.
"And the path back isn’t through being seen by the world. It’s through deciding — deliberately, practically, sometimes defiantly — to be seen by yourself."
This is so true, Monica. My children are still at home but I've become mindful of the fact that I have to show up for myself as well as for them. Being a mum is the most important thing I do but it is not all I do and it is not who I am.
I remember the day I became invisible. Not long after my 65th birthday I went shopping one day and when I got to the cash register I was the last in the line. When it was finally my turn to check out I carefully placed my items on the counter and waited. The young man at the register began to sort through some random things on his part of the counter, cheerfully chatting with several other employees, looked for something under the counter, moved around in his space….finally I said loudly, “Am I invisible to you?” He startled and blushed and stammered,
“I didn’t see you!” And I said “I’ve been standing in line here and the person ahead of me left a few minutes ago. Am I invisible?!” He didn’t say another word, no apologies, and never looked at me while he checked out my items. As I left he turned his back to me.
What is wrong in our world when white haired little women are totally invisible ?
This was me in my late 40s - the loss of myself. I feel more connected, but do feel a sense of invisibility in the world. The odd thing? I really like it! I was in a position that was publicly outfacing for so long, it feels nice to step back and just focus on me.
My mother is embarking on this sort of transition in life and I worry quite a lot for her. She's spent the last few years caretaking for my ill stepdad, who just passed, and the last few decades caring for hundreds of clients as a massage therapist and, before that, a daycare provider. Her identity is so deeply defined by caretaking that it's been difficult getting her to accept care in return, even now as she's grieving. She'll be moving closer to me soon so she'll be less isolated, but she's also planning on retiring around the same time, and I worry that she won't know what to do with herself when she does. Do you have any suggestions for how to support her without creating some sort of unhealthy codependent dynamic? Your insight would be much appreciated!
What your mother is going through is far more common than most people realize, especially for people whose identity became wrapped around being needed. When caregiving ends, there can be grief not only for the person they lost, but for the role that organized their entire life. That can feel disorienting and frightening.
One thing I would gently encourage is this: try not to rush to “fix” her loneliness or immediately fill her calendar with activities. A lot of people do that with retirees and grieving caregivers. But what she may actually need first is permission to rediscover who she is outside of service to everyone else.
The healthiest support may simply be creating safe space for curiosity to return. Small things. Asking what she enjoys. What she misses. What made her feel alive before responsibility took over. Not as pressure, but as invitation.
And honestly, the fact that you’re already aware of the possibility of slipping into codependency tells me you’re approaching this thoughtfully. That awareness alone changes the dynamic. You don’t have to become her purpose in order to love her well. Sometimes loving someone means standing beside them while they slowly remember themselves.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your insight! I am admittedly a "problem fixer" and can see how easily one can fall for the easy "fix" of filling up someone's calendar, but I luckily don't think I'll be making that mistake. I remember how insincere and hollow it felt when I tried to keep busy after my fiancee died at 23 so others wouldn't worry about me, how much it rang of avoidance. I know I'm better prepared than most adult children to support her on the widowhood side of the equation because I have my own experience with partner loss, but feel at a loss when it comes to retirement because my own identity isn't as deeply connected to my job. I hadn't considered the role curiosity could play in revitalizing her connection to herself and who she used to be before taking on this role. We'll be doing a lot of sorting and packing in preparation for the move so I'll keep an eye out for opportunities to ask more about her interests. There are also a few new ones she's mentioned wanting to explore, so I'll make sure to encourage that without being pushy too.
Greetings. I am sorry for your mother's loss and thank you for an opportunity to reply. I have a lifetime of support and nursing role, so in planning our end of life care, we feel a responsibility while alive, to lessen the burden on others, as we prepare, in truth and with Grace. What you share is a life journey in itself. There are a few transitional mindsets to deliberate when expectations have to be surrendered. Detachment from fear of the unknown, aligning with your true self or as I like to see myself now, as entertaining my second spring. It's a conscious effort. The codependency you speak of may be a real fear. I too had a mother for whom I have spent a lifetime, supporting to be more of what I wanted in life, her happiness. I felt she was unforefilled in parenting being in service to others, all because her childhood was stolen. The energy we put into our lives, reflects our true emotions. I've become all that I could not help her to be, as that was my reason to show up in my own Life, as a woman and a parent. With divine timing, I was surprised that after two knee jobs, a hip operation and a lifetime of never the athletic type, my mother who has resisted physio for years, as an unnecessary exertion not being paid to do, as in a job, called me to announce that she has finally joined her first gym at age 75. She actually invested in a membership. Understanding the value of using your muscles and physical mobility and I am so happy for her. It's like a new mindset when you discover your superpowers to feel the fear and do it anyway. She has her husband so together the support is there and they celebrate 50yrs of marriage, so have enough to be happy about now. This all happens with people planting seeds for others. Whoever that Angel was , I'm so grateful. All in divine timing and your mother will find her feet again, grounding in her true essence again, all in her divine time. Accessibility and affordability to socialising also limits people's choices to invest in themselves. Like us all, we can think of it as a sacrifice to make a home made coffee or pay to be part of society to develop your sense of self instead with your spare change. I'm no longer attached to belonging to everything and enjoy what I love in life. But for women, we have to rewire, reprogram their mindset from not having quality of time alone to think about themselves, it takes strength, patience and resilience alright. Learning to put yourself first. I just awake to each new dawn and choose to create my day, from a vision of a goal that aligns with my soul identity and life's journey is not a chore. Share your love not fear of having your mother closer. Set personal boundaries if you honour your personal time too and teach your children from example, how you want to be treated when you're realising and transitioning into a new season in your own life. No one is an island. We women are very capable of rebuilding a home and an identity to suit everyone's needs. Living independently just needs an inward, internal focus knowing it's "my time to be all that you want to be". I took that journey asking myself what I loved to do before I became a parent, then a single parent at that. But not until after almost three decades of loosing myself and working on automatic. What I did, was first foresee my empty nest. Then I ticked off giving the kids their 21st celebrations and farewell speeches, to enjoy being captains on their own ships. It was a conscious journey within for me and I got excited to see the finish line like a light at the end of a long, long, long tunnel. So be patient with her. Becoming detached from a role of a partner identity of Mrs Him, or the responsibility of parenting children out into this world, of many unknowns, without my fears is a responsibility. I remembered what I loved before having them and i joined interest groups to relive my love for life again. Each day of the week, I had a schedule with more "me time" punched in. I began practicing before I became an empty nester at around 49, or 2011 anyway. I began feeling like I was taking my life back with more "me time". I chose to be on this sabbatical from men and relationships, that helped to reclaim my personal power too. A weekend was allocated for an outdoor hiking group, you could speed up or slow down to chat to new people or just focus on the views in meditation, I had a Wednesday night band night to attend for 3hours of dancing to feel alive again midweek, I'd choose a comedy and movie night when they came around monthly to share laughs and moments with a group, I joined a gym and kept Sunday for my spiritual reset within a beautiful community that held space for me, to inspire and reflect upon life from . It was also a great reset for the week. Slowly filling my toolkit with what I could do for myself again, with or without a crowd to socialize with and I learnt to enjoy myself in these environments on my own eventually too, having "My time". I slowly realigned my soul identity and Spirit for life again. Co-creating our lives alongside others is all women have done for eons. Once we decide we have a choice to detach from our roles, we don't feel guilty serving our own needs. Finding new friends , will never be like when you were young and energetic teens, but you can enjoy that essence of being your own friend first too. Simple as taking a bath by candlelight , moving to your favourite music, out in the garden or at the waters edge. Monika's life storytelling that's being shared here is full of key codes to unlock the true potential we seek or our forgotten gems that we can choose to cherish again. All to ignite our sense of self, just "being me". For example, I'm only 59 this year and I come alive with joy every time I peddle off after hopping onto my bicycle. The feeling of freedom, with the wind on my face, helps me align with the sense of this second spring. Post menopausal days ahead, woohoo! Honouring the Life I chose, in service to others. Woohoo! Got back on the bike , woohoo! Remembering ones self is a mother's journey home, to the sacred feminine, womb healer and divine self. Not a destination, but a place of unconditional Love. Allow your mother to grow her love into your life with gratitude, holding space when you are free too with a kind smile from the heart, is all she needs. We all know the addiction triangle codependency can lead us along. But once again, choose to teach otherwise. One day it may be her reflection you see in the mirror and your children will remember the role model you provided, in sending love, always. If you've no children, then you can happily say to yourself, "I see you", too. Blessings to you both.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share so generously from your own journey! It struck me as I read your words that rediscovering oneself after stepping out from a caregiver role is surprisingly similar to the journey I've been on unmasking and reconnecting with my authentic self now that I know that I'm autistic. I too have been taking back my time with more intentional "me time" and learning how to be my own friend over the past two years. I too have questioned what parts are truly me and what parts are just others' expectations of me. I think this realization will make it much easier to connect with my mother and hold space for her vulnerability as she endeavors to find herself again, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for sparking it.
Lovely piece Monica! I am just entering this phase of feeling invisible and you gave me some ideas to think about. :)
You made me think there…. I’ve never actually been alone for any extended amount of time. I’ve lived alone, yes, but always had a rich relationships with friends who are framily. I don’t live in service of my husband, whom I married at 42. We sit in mostly companionable silence. He’s not well, so the chances of me living truly alone are pretty good at some point. That dream of a tiny house or a wing of a communal house with a group of women is still there.
My mother-in-law lives in a resort-like multi-level care community that has a rich social environment. That’s likely the closest I’ll ever be. I like the idea of being able to participate and visit, but then close the door and be left to recharge and paint.
Unfortunately you need quite a bit of money to live in a community setting like you describe. I’ve looked. About 10,000 and up per month.So depending on your age it runs out quickly 😢
Hmmm… it’s not nearly that expensive where I live in Canada. Closer to 3K if you’re in independent living. But yes, it’s a consideration!
Thank you for this, it is so true for me and affirming to read. When I retired from a job I’d had for 30 years, i fully expected to find myself at a loss. Instead, I found myself. Full stop. Admittedly, the job had gotten terribly stressful and demanding. But I had chosen a career that was not well suited to my personality type. I loved it for many years and did well at it. But when I left, I discovered all the old pleasures I had before it that had gone by the wayside for lack of time and “fit.” It was like meeting my teenage self and saying, “hey, I remember you. Welcome back!”
Nope, not crying here. 😭😭
The driving. That's the detail I can't stop thinking about.
Not the birthday with the good china — that's the resolution. The five o'clock driving is what came before anyone had language for it. The body knowing something the mind hadn't caught up to yet.
I'm 54. I retired early last year and the list is still quieting down. I'm not where you are yet — I'm somewhere in the middle of what you're describing, still carrying the phone out of habit, still noticing the particular weight of late afternoon. Reading this felt less like recognition of something past and more like a map of something I'm still inside.
The question you land on — how do I feel worthy of my own existence when nobody needs me to do anything — I haven't found the answer either. But I'm grateful someone said it out loud.
You understood exactly what I was trying to say.
The driving wasn’t about errands at all. It was about avoiding the silence before I had language for what the silence meant. I think so many women have lived that exact hour of the day without ever recognizing it consciously.
And I love what you said about the body knowing before the mind catches up. That feels deeply true to me now looking back on it.
Also, I don’t think there’s a clean “arrival point” with this. I think the list quiets in layers. Identity quiets in layers too. One habit at a time. One reflex at a time. One late afternoon at a time.
What touched me most in your comment is this:
“a map of something I’m still inside.”
I suspect that’s exactly why this conversation is resonating with so many people right now. Not because we’ve solved it, but because we’re finally saying out loud what many people experience privately.
Thank you for adding your voice to it.
The list quieting in layers — yes. That's exactly what it feels like from inside it.
I love this post!! And what a great question to pose as well. Has me thinking - thanks Monica and all!!
Dear Monica—You feel like a friend to me—I was so taken by your essay. It’s the idea of you recognizing and coming to terms with who you are at a particular “stage” of life and how you talked about it, dug into the discomfort and in fact , discovered the treasure of how really beautiful and extraordinary life can be “here.”
I upgraded my subscription (also getting 20% off—thanks) because I do not want to miss anything that you share!
Substack has brought me such an astounding number of people bringing themselves to a “market square” to share!
💪🏻🥰