Those famous little memories Facebook brings to our attention can often trigger unhappy memories. Apparently, nobody told Facebook that some things don’t deserve an encore.
The reminder brought up a situation that remains unresolved, one I can’t change. For about thirty seconds, I was right back in the feelings that came with it.
Then I caught myself.
I recognized where my thoughts were taking me.
It’s easy to feel powerless at that moment and simply follow whatever thoughts the memory triggers. A few minutes can turn into an entire afternoon, depending on the emotional wound it opens. I know how easily I can get pulled into replaying something without ever deciding to spend my day there.
BUT! We do have a choice.
We can make A HARD PIVOT: deliberately choosing, in that moment, where we give our attention.
That’s what I did.
I turned toward her: the woman I am becoming.
In my mind’s eye, I chose to see her. Me, with the same soul at the center, taking deliberate steps toward a life that looks and feels more like my own.
I’ve been holding a beautiful image of her, and I chose to give her my attention.
She isn’t some entirely different woman waiting for me in the future. She is still me. But she is me with fewer old instructions running the show.
And more to the point, I really like her.
It feels good to think about her. To wonder how she thinks. What she chooses. What she no longer explains. What she gives her attention to and what she simply refuses to carry another mile.
She is who I see in my mind when my brain is triggered by a bad memory I don’t want to spend the afternoon rehearsing.
My mood changed almost immediately.
The situation hadn’t gone away.
I had simply stopped rehearsing it. More interesting is that there is science about this
A neurosurgeon whose video I watched recently put language to something I have been noticing: the brain gets better at what we repeatedly practice, including the thoughts and emotional patterns we return to. Hence whatever BAD thoughts or memories we repeast we will - in the future - create more reasons to feel those sad or miserable thoughts. Conversley the more we choose to recall or imagine something that we like, we will create more reasons to expiernce those in the future.
That landed with me today because I could feel the difference between replaying the old scene and turning toward the next one.
We often speak of retirement as an ending.
Yes, a particular chapter ends.
But the woman at the center of it is still here, still becoming.
And this is where I want you to picture yourself on the other side of this.
Imagine a memory, an old disappointment, an old obligation or somebody else’s voice beginning its familiar little speech in your head.
But this time, you recognize it.
You don’t follow it for the next four hours.
You don’t let it decide what kind of afternoon you are going to have.
Instead, you turn toward the woman you have decided to be.
Perhaps she is sipping morning coffee by the window or taking a walk through her favorite gardne.
Perhaps she is boarding a plane.
Perhaps she is drinking coffee at eleven o’clock in the morning without feeling remotely guilty that she hasn’t accomplished anything yet.
Perhaps she has stopped saying yes automatically.
Perhaps she is learning something simply because it fascinates her.
Perhaps she is wearing red shoes.
Perhaps the most radical thing about her is that she finally trusts herself to decide what belongs in her own life.
The details will be different for every one of us.
That’s the point.
You are not required to become anybody else’s version of a successful retired woman.
But it is worth spending a few minutes considering who you are becoming and developing an image that reflects your own expectations and desires.
Because when an old story comes knocking, it helps enormously to have somewhere else to turn your attention.
I get to practice seeing her because I deliberately choose to.
And so do you.
Tomorrow during BREAKTHROUGH, I’ll share how I created my own image so you can have some fun imagining yours.
BREAKTHROUGH is our weekly gathering for paid members of The Daily RE-Wire. Along with a dependable place to gather each week, paid members have access to the downloads and resources on our Perks page.
If you’re considering WHO YOU ARE BECOMING now that retirement is here, come spend some time with us. There’s something lovely about being among women who are asking themselves that same question.
And this may very well be your lucky day! I am offering 20% off an annual subscription plus The Re-Foundation Guide, created as a tool to help you choose your own becoming.
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Lovely new photo, by the way. I loved this article because it reminds me that I make my own decisions and to stop judging myself.
Your words resonate deeply. It’s inspiring to see how you’re embracing the woman you’re becoming and letting go of the past.