I heard an NPR segment about cognitive labor that society 100% dumped on the “mom” as the care giver just because they lactate and were the food source prior to weaning and men went out with cognitive labor but came home and hung up their hat and sat down. Society and mothers of sons also reward this bad “yes dear” behavior. Happy wife mentality. The segment presented lots of data showing that care giving isn’t an inherited trait that takes two X chromosomes to express - it’s innately human or at least the capacity to learn - like saying that people raised in an environment of love will do anything for you but people raised in a environment of survival will do anything to you. Maybe paternity leave will help make for better people through shared experiences- creating partners who compare notes and try to figure out life together. Society treats women as “the help” - and it shows in team dynamics- who takes the notes at a meeting or organizes/gets lunch or picks up leaving the conference room- or buys the get well card or retirement gift. I was a stupid yes dear husband until in 2020 Covid put me at home 100% of the time and a year later my wife was diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s dementia- I got her on Leqembi in 2024 but it just prevents decline, leaving me like a single mom with an autistic child. Karma - now I know what I didn’t know following in my father’s footsteps. Yesterday on the way to work I saw a young family looking like they were heading out on a family trip and were having breakfast at Dunkin donuts with the mom interacting with 2 young boys eating chocolate donuts while trying to sneak a bite for herself. The dad was totally consumed with his phone - scrolling and swiping and totally somewhere else while in front of him was a moment in time that passes and doesn’t come back AND he was not eating - DUDE interact your boys - participate - share the cognitive load - let your wife eat and turn the kaleidoscope 45 degrees to look at this moment as a connection with the life you’re living. I cried thinking of all those moments I threw away being a good bread winning company man - what you’re scrolling or emails you’re reading will not matter next year but knowing your partner because you did the cognitive labor so she could know herself will last a lifetime AND that window closes with cognitive decline. The hard part of getting old is realizing all the beautiful things you missed along the way chasing a mirage that someone else painted for you.
Dale, this is such a powerful reflection. What you said about caregiving being treated as innate to women instead of learned, demanding labor really struck me. So many women spend decades quietly carrying the remembering, planning, anticipating, soothing, and organizing, then wonder why they no longer know what they want for themselves.
And your final realization is the heart of it. We can become so busy tending everyone else’s life that we barely inhabit our own.
I love that you are choosing differently now, not by abandoning the people you love, but by allowing them to participate in their own lives while you return to yours. That is not selfishness. That is reclamation
I ask the same of people I meet and spend time with at the dog park…what would u love to do if u decided to pivot from a job that no longer served u except financially?
Beautiful piece Monica ❤️I think many women do exactly this and the society does reward this behavior as you stated here we need that to change as well !
THANK YOU DALE CARTER.Superb writing.Profoundly moving to hear your perspective as a reflective Father and caring partner.I am truly sorry for the decline in your beloved wife's health and wish you both at least some bright memory making in the time ahead. Every day we bare witness to is indeed a gift.Transitions are HARD.Everything is changing so often and so unpredictably fast...at the same time the World outside our window is travelling upside down and inside out and at warp speed.Roles.Relationships.Routines.Resources. These four headings are worth paying attention to. Stabilizing values ,measured and counted and judiciously paced are the key to a future of fewest possible regrets.Though your burden is a heavy one ,may you travel with a light and uplifting conscience. 🌸🌺🌸🌺🏆
I heard an NPR segment about cognitive labor that society 100% dumped on the “mom” as the care giver just because they lactate and were the food source prior to weaning and men went out with cognitive labor but came home and hung up their hat and sat down. Society and mothers of sons also reward this bad “yes dear” behavior. Happy wife mentality. The segment presented lots of data showing that care giving isn’t an inherited trait that takes two X chromosomes to express - it’s innately human or at least the capacity to learn - like saying that people raised in an environment of love will do anything for you but people raised in a environment of survival will do anything to you. Maybe paternity leave will help make for better people through shared experiences- creating partners who compare notes and try to figure out life together. Society treats women as “the help” - and it shows in team dynamics- who takes the notes at a meeting or organizes/gets lunch or picks up leaving the conference room- or buys the get well card or retirement gift. I was a stupid yes dear husband until in 2020 Covid put me at home 100% of the time and a year later my wife was diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s dementia- I got her on Leqembi in 2024 but it just prevents decline, leaving me like a single mom with an autistic child. Karma - now I know what I didn’t know following in my father’s footsteps. Yesterday on the way to work I saw a young family looking like they were heading out on a family trip and were having breakfast at Dunkin donuts with the mom interacting with 2 young boys eating chocolate donuts while trying to sneak a bite for herself. The dad was totally consumed with his phone - scrolling and swiping and totally somewhere else while in front of him was a moment in time that passes and doesn’t come back AND he was not eating - DUDE interact your boys - participate - share the cognitive load - let your wife eat and turn the kaleidoscope 45 degrees to look at this moment as a connection with the life you’re living. I cried thinking of all those moments I threw away being a good bread winning company man - what you’re scrolling or emails you’re reading will not matter next year but knowing your partner because you did the cognitive labor so she could know herself will last a lifetime AND that window closes with cognitive decline. The hard part of getting old is realizing all the beautiful things you missed along the way chasing a mirage that someone else painted for you.
Dale, this is such a powerful reflection. What you said about caregiving being treated as innate to women instead of learned, demanding labor really struck me. So many women spend decades quietly carrying the remembering, planning, anticipating, soothing, and organizing, then wonder why they no longer know what they want for themselves.
And your final realization is the heart of it. We can become so busy tending everyone else’s life that we barely inhabit our own.
I love that you are choosing differently now, not by abandoning the people you love, but by allowing them to participate in their own lives while you return to yours. That is not selfishness. That is reclamation
I ask the same of people I meet and spend time with at the dog park…what would u love to do if u decided to pivot from a job that no longer served u except financially?
Beautiful piece Monica ❤️I think many women do exactly this and the society does reward this behavior as you stated here we need that to change as well !
THANK YOU DALE CARTER.Superb writing.Profoundly moving to hear your perspective as a reflective Father and caring partner.I am truly sorry for the decline in your beloved wife's health and wish you both at least some bright memory making in the time ahead. Every day we bare witness to is indeed a gift.Transitions are HARD.Everything is changing so often and so unpredictably fast...at the same time the World outside our window is travelling upside down and inside out and at warp speed.Roles.Relationships.Routines.Resources. These four headings are worth paying attention to. Stabilizing values ,measured and counted and judiciously paced are the key to a future of fewest possible regrets.Though your burden is a heavy one ,may you travel with a light and uplifting conscience. 🌸🌺🌸🌺🏆