“One person’s disapproval became an entire set of invisible rules”… that sums up in one sentence the complicated legacy of being brought up in a patriarchal family where “not upsetting Daddy” was the prime directive. The lane of acceptable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors was very narrow and the lines weren’t clear. Way too often I inadvertently did or said something that wasn’t “worthy” and therefore upset Daddy, which also meant my mother would be upset with me. I learned to watch vigilantly what my father’s face or posture or demeanor was telling me and adjust my presentation accordingly. I learned that my own preferences didn’t matter because they were often “wrong” in my father’s worldview. As an adult I transferred that authority to random friends or colleagues who seemed confident. I’m working on trusting myself and not measuring myself against the choices others make about what’s important. Thank you for this post, Monica. It helps me.
Western women in our age group were often brought up to believe we’re to be obedient to parents, authority figures, God….or else. Seen not heard. Or that’s how I was brought up, maybe that’s abnormal and I don’t know it. I was brought up to believe life is hard and a test and if I’m good enough I ‘might’ get a miracle or happiness or something good as long as I had ‘faith’ and no doubt. It’s only been in the last two years (having been diagnosed with COPD) that it dawned on me I spent my life caregiving and as a healer. Never charged because those were my jobs. But now…I’m learning no one’s going to save me. My faith is a joke and not even a little funny. And then YOU come along because I’ve been thinking well, hell, I kinda always wanted to write and draw and be a polyglot…I have made a small move toward writing and got published. (woot!) But I now find myself stuck because I’m fearful after some Christian relatives and friends came at me with I’m sinning and shouldn’t be writing paranormal stories about tarot cards. So I froze up and yet, what you say here clicked something. Maybe some of us are afraid to remember or act on our childhood dreams because of that westernized thinking and afraid to let go of it…even when we know it’s not working. (I won’t get real blunt there lol) What are your thoughts on this? Could westernized upbringing be clogging up the damn to freedom to give ourselves permission to just be ourselves?
How'd you get through it?! It's hard enough getting older, to have an existential and spiritual crisis thrown into the works is too much. My anxiety is off the walls but I'm handling it. How did you free yourself of all that programing?! There's a part of me that wants to burn a Bible...no offense.
If it brings you relief to burn a Bible, go fucking burn the Bible! I’m not in my office now so I won’t be able to do it from my phone but tomorrow I will do this for you but first you send me an email with your email address. Remind me who you are so I’ll recognize it and I will send you the first step a little guidebook that I wrote based on what all the steps that I took and I’ll send it to you.
“One person’s disapproval became an entire set of invisible rules”… that sums up in one sentence the complicated legacy of being brought up in a patriarchal family where “not upsetting Daddy” was the prime directive. The lane of acceptable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors was very narrow and the lines weren’t clear. Way too often I inadvertently did or said something that wasn’t “worthy” and therefore upset Daddy, which also meant my mother would be upset with me. I learned to watch vigilantly what my father’s face or posture or demeanor was telling me and adjust my presentation accordingly. I learned that my own preferences didn’t matter because they were often “wrong” in my father’s worldview. As an adult I transferred that authority to random friends or colleagues who seemed confident. I’m working on trusting myself and not measuring myself against the choices others make about what’s important. Thank you for this post, Monica. It helps me.
I can even hear those words in my head… we were programmed!!
Western women in our age group were often brought up to believe we’re to be obedient to parents, authority figures, God….or else. Seen not heard. Or that’s how I was brought up, maybe that’s abnormal and I don’t know it. I was brought up to believe life is hard and a test and if I’m good enough I ‘might’ get a miracle or happiness or something good as long as I had ‘faith’ and no doubt. It’s only been in the last two years (having been diagnosed with COPD) that it dawned on me I spent my life caregiving and as a healer. Never charged because those were my jobs. But now…I’m learning no one’s going to save me. My faith is a joke and not even a little funny. And then YOU come along because I’ve been thinking well, hell, I kinda always wanted to write and draw and be a polyglot…I have made a small move toward writing and got published. (woot!) But I now find myself stuck because I’m fearful after some Christian relatives and friends came at me with I’m sinning and shouldn’t be writing paranormal stories about tarot cards. So I froze up and yet, what you say here clicked something. Maybe some of us are afraid to remember or act on our childhood dreams because of that westernized thinking and afraid to let go of it…even when we know it’s not working. (I won’t get real blunt there lol) What are your thoughts on this? Could westernized upbringing be clogging up the damn to freedom to give ourselves permission to just be ourselves?
No doubt all those people taking up space in your mind are absolutely clogging up your own essence. I know bc I lived through it
How'd you get through it?! It's hard enough getting older, to have an existential and spiritual crisis thrown into the works is too much. My anxiety is off the walls but I'm handling it. How did you free yourself of all that programing?! There's a part of me that wants to burn a Bible...no offense.
If it brings you relief to burn a Bible, go fucking burn the Bible! I’m not in my office now so I won’t be able to do it from my phone but tomorrow I will do this for you but first you send me an email with your email address. Remind me who you are so I’ll recognize it and I will send you the first step a little guidebook that I wrote based on what all the steps that I took and I’ll send it to you.
What!? YOU ARE AWESOME! Thank you so much. Thank you in a million ways. <3