Women over 60: That Invisible Audience
Why We Perform Even When No One's Watching (And How to Stop)
Do you ever catch yourself feeling as though your are being watched, or hear others critiquing your work?
This morning, I was standing at the stove making pancakes and bacon for myself—an indulgent little breakfast ritual I wanted to enjoy slowly. But instead of savoring the sizzle of the pan or the smell of maple rising, I noticed myself speeding up. Cooking faster. Flipping and plating and multitasking like I was on a Food Network competition show. And in my head? I could hear them: imaginary people watching and praising me.
"Look at her go!"
"She makes everything look so effortless."
"Such a good woman, making herself breakfast like that."
I wasn’t performing for me. I was performing for ghosts.
And then I made a mistake—burned the edges a bit. I felt the sting of invisible disapproval. And that’s when I realized: This isn’t new. I’ve done this my whole life.
When I was ten years old, unloading the dishwasher, I pretended people were watching me—praising how good I was, how helpful, how fast. I can see myself now, placing the silverware into my mother’s tray like I was on display. Smiling at nobody. Wanting to be noticed.
This pattern is old. And this morning, I got angry. Sad, too. Because I realized how much of my life I’ve missed trying to earn praise that never came.
So I did what I always do when I get curious: I went digging for the truth.
The Psychology Behind Our "Performing Selves"
It turns out I am so not alone.
1. Imaginary Audience Syndrome
Coined by psychologist David Elkind, this refers to the belief that we’re constantly being watched or evaluated. While common in adolescence, for many women—especially those raised to serve, please, or earn worth through productivity—this pattern continues well into adulthood.
"I had the sense I was being watched. That I had to earn praise. That I had to hurry up and get it right."
That’s exactly what I experienced this morning. And millions of women feel the same. Because we were raised to be good. To be efficient. To be noticed just enough to be liked, but never so much that we were seen as ‘too much.’
2. The Spotlight Effect
Social psychologists call this the belief that people notice our actions and appearance far more than they actually do. We imagine eyes on us all the time. Every choice we make, every step we take.
Even something as simple as going for a walk.
Yes—I’m performing on my walks too. Posture. Stride. Smile. As if the trees and sidewalk are judging.
3. Evaluation Apprehension and Social Facilitation
We’ve also been wired to do better when we feel seen—but that need can turn toxic when "being seen" is a constant burden. Instead of just enjoying our lives, we’re stuck trying to earn an invisible standing ovation.
No wonder so many of us are exhausted.
So How Do We Break the Cycle?
I don’t have it all figured out yet. But here’s what I’m trying today, and maybe you’ll want to try it too:
1. Name the Performance
Catch yourself in the act. Say it out loud if you can:
"Oh, look at me performing again. Hello, invisible audience."
Interrupting the pattern with a little humor helps take the power out of it.
2. Breathe Into the Moment
When I caught myself racing to cook breakfast, I paused. I took five slow, deep breaths. And then I said:
"This meal is for me. I don’t owe anyone a show."
Our breath is a return to the real. The here. The now.
3. Create for You First
This is hard for those of us who are writers, artists, givers, or caretakers. But practice doing something purely for your own joy.
Cook for yourself.
Walk for your lungs. Paint for the thrill of color. Write a sentence you don’t show anyone.
And see how it feels not to earn anything from it.
4. Build a New Inner Voice
If you were raised with an imaginary audience, you can raise a new one. One that cheers for your peace. That claps when you rest. That praises your being, not your performance.
We Are Not Crazy
We are not vain, we are not selfish. We are not broken.
We were shaped,we were conditioned.We were raised to earn love by doing.
But now?
We get to practice being loved for being.
And maybe that starts with pancakes.
If this resonates with you, would you share one moment today where you caught yourself performing? Or a moment where you chose not to? I’d love to start a momentum thread of women letting go of performance and reclaiming presence.
Because we deserve that.
Because we are already enough.
Because the applause we need now... comes from within.
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