The secret is to NOT need their respect, because no matter WHAT you say or do, you will NEVER get it, but that’s okay. You don’t need that person in your life.
ExHAUStion. That's what I feel. I feel exHAUStion from his toddler-like questions, his "I don't know"s...his always choosing himself, first, second and last. One of my favorite therapists told me (I have a service business and do caregiving) "You are caregiving 24/7. When you go home, you are still caregiving."
God, I loved that man! (My therapist). He got me. My partner never did and never will.
I was thinking how much I love men. And yet--I want to be with those who understand, not continually take take take and rarely, if ever, give. Like we always do, as women.
Thank you so much for your support and positivity Monica. I truly appreciate it 🤗
Decades of believing that I had to please everyone else are gone and I'm working on slowing down my tendency to go into flight mode when I feel stressed.
I'm a work in progress, but I'm fully on my own side now 🥰
Thank you so much for your support and positivity Monica. I truly appreciate it 🤗
My husband is a gentle soul, but I'm only just starting to understand how trauma affects him. He's very self critical, a perfectionist and can be impatient when he doesn't meet his own high standards.
He hides his emotions and I've often overly emotional as a result...not any more!
I now say what I think and am fully on my own side, instead of criticising myself. What a journey!
I've been married for almost 40 years and after spending the last 5 years 'healing' myself, I've become much more direct and assertive....it's fun seeing the changes in our relationship after all these years and I'm loving speaking my truth 😀 Karen
Karen, YESSSSS! I’m over here clapping and grinning like a proud porch auntie! 🙌
There is nothing more powerful than a woman who has done her healing, found her voice, and decided she doesn’t have to tiptoe anymore. I love that you’re seeing the shift in your relationship too—because that’s the beauty of truth-telling: it not only sets us free, it invites everyone around us to rise or realign.
After 40 years, you’re not just settling in—you’re leveling up.
And I can feel the joy in your words: not angry, not reactive—just strong, clear, and so damn free.
Keep speaking it, sister. You’ve earned every word.
Hermeneutic labor—exactly. The exhausting, invisible work of interpreting, softening, translating our own experiences so that someone else (usually a man) doesn’t feel uncomfortable or confused.
We’ve been doing it so long, we don’t even notice the toll it takes until we’re bone-tired and wondering why.
But we’re done carrying the weight of everyone else’s emotional regulation.
We get to feel what we feel.
We get to name it without filtering it.
And we get to stop micromanaging the discomfort of men who’ve never had to do that labor themselves.
This is the revolution:
No more translation. No more shrinking. No more apologizing for our humanity.
Monica, very much feel this! I can feel what I feel and will no longer walk on eggshells for anyone!
Yes, yes, YES! 🙌
That’s it right there—the core of liberation:
“I can feel what I feel.”
No permission slips. No justifications. No tiptoeing through someone else’s discomfort just to stay “safe.”
You’ve earned the right to take up emotional space.
To stop shrinking.
To stop apologizing for your truth.
Walking on eggshells might keep the peace…
but it kills your spirit.
So here’s to cracking every last shell beneath your feet
and walking forward—loudly, fully, and without regret.
I’m with you. Let’s stomp.
and to stop questioning what you say after you say it, wondering whether the other person took it in the spirit in which it was given.
YES. That right there? That’s one of the sneakiest forms of self-abandonment we learn:
“Did I say that wrong?”
“Did I sound too blunt?”
“What if they misunderstood?”
“Should I go back and explain more… soften it… apologize?”
It’s the aftershock of a lifetime spent managing other people’s reactions in order to stay safe, liked, or accepted.
But here’s the truth:
You are not responsible for how someone interprets your truth when it’s spoken with clarity and love.
You are responsible only for honoring your own voice.
When you say something with good intent and integrity, let it stand.
No second-guessing. No internal backpedaling.
That’s trust in action. That’s self-respect.
It’s okay if someone misreads you. It’s okay if they don’t get it.
It doesn’t mean you were wrong. It doesn’t mean you should shrink.
Say it. Mean it. Release it.
That’s the new rhythm.
Thank you Monica
The secret is to NOT need their respect, because no matter WHAT you say or do, you will NEVER get it, but that’s okay. You don’t need that person in your life.
Yes. 1000x yes.
That was one of the hardest truths for me to accept—that I was burning so much energy trying to earn something that was never mine to begin with.
Freedom began the moment I stopped needing their respect and started reclaiming my own.
Thank you for naming it so clearly
I say that to my notes feed every day!
IKR?
ExHAUStion. That's what I feel. I feel exHAUStion from his toddler-like questions, his "I don't know"s...his always choosing himself, first, second and last. One of my favorite therapists told me (I have a service business and do caregiving) "You are caregiving 24/7. When you go home, you are still caregiving."
God, I loved that man! (My therapist). He got me. My partner never did and never will.
I was thinking how much I love men. And yet--I want to be with those who understand, not continually take take take and rarely, if ever, give. Like we always do, as women.
Thank you so much for your support and positivity Monica. I truly appreciate it 🤗
Decades of believing that I had to please everyone else are gone and I'm working on slowing down my tendency to go into flight mode when I feel stressed.
I'm a work in progress, but I'm fully on my own side now 🥰
Thank you so much for your support and positivity Monica. I truly appreciate it 🤗
My husband is a gentle soul, but I'm only just starting to understand how trauma affects him. He's very self critical, a perfectionist and can be impatient when he doesn't meet his own high standards.
He hides his emotions and I've often overly emotional as a result...not any more!
I now say what I think and am fully on my own side, instead of criticising myself. What a journey!
I've been married for almost 40 years and after spending the last 5 years 'healing' myself, I've become much more direct and assertive....it's fun seeing the changes in our relationship after all these years and I'm loving speaking my truth 😀 Karen
Karen, YESSSSS! I’m over here clapping and grinning like a proud porch auntie! 🙌
There is nothing more powerful than a woman who has done her healing, found her voice, and decided she doesn’t have to tiptoe anymore. I love that you’re seeing the shift in your relationship too—because that’s the beauty of truth-telling: it not only sets us free, it invites everyone around us to rise or realign.
After 40 years, you’re not just settling in—you’re leveling up.
And I can feel the joy in your words: not angry, not reactive—just strong, clear, and so damn free.
Keep speaking it, sister. You’ve earned every word.
YESSSS. Thank you for putting language to this!
Hermeneutic labor—exactly. The exhausting, invisible work of interpreting, softening, translating our own experiences so that someone else (usually a man) doesn’t feel uncomfortable or confused.
We’ve been doing it so long, we don’t even notice the toll it takes until we’re bone-tired and wondering why.
But we’re done carrying the weight of everyone else’s emotional regulation.
We get to feel what we feel.
We get to name it without filtering it.
And we get to stop micromanaging the discomfort of men who’ve never had to do that labor themselves.
This is the revolution:
No more translation. No more shrinking. No more apologizing for our humanity.
We feel. We speak. We rest.
And we let the discomfort fall where it belongs
Now that I know what it's called, I can read more about it to better understand myself.
Did not know the behavior has a name. Thank you Ann.